1980

Graduation souvenir
22 April 1980 - University of the Philippines
This was the day I graduated from university. My degree? Bachelor of Arts in Mass Communications. Amazing, that's almost 25 years ago! I cannot believe how time just flew. I remembered feeling a deep sense of sadness after this. I didn't want to leave school. I was too scared to experience the real world. The years 1976-1980 were the best years of my life in the Philippines. I "discovered" myself and found my voice. I developed my own thoughts, not of my parents but mine alone.
I had every reason to fear the outside "adult" world. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. However, my education served me well. I managed to forge a career in journalism and later on communications. Those were great times in university. I forged lasting friendships.

Camelot

Glastonbury Tor

This photo was taken last August at Glastonbury in Somerset. Legend has it that King Arthur brought Guinevere's body to this little chapel situated on top of the Tor. It was a real hike to get there. I was with hubby, Sam and a very good friend from my University days. It was a brilliant day and we enjoyed it immensely. Sam was shattered afterwards. His little feet could only carry him so far. It took him two days to recover, just like me!

Health warning

I had asthma since I was two and because of that my childhood was a miserable time. I remembered praying so hard because I could feel an attack coming. I learned to bargain at an early age. I promised to be good, I even promised to be a nun if I do not get sick, but I got sick anyway. So much for holding on to blind faith.
Anyway, the advent of inhalers dramatically changed my life. I was eight when I was first introduced to inhalers. For me it was like magic. One moment you’re almost sure of dying and your body just couldn’t cope with the lack of oxygen and the next minute you could actually breathe.
I was constantly teased and taunted about my asthma and I felt so guilty about being sick all the time. How I managed to get grades good enough for me to enter the University of the Philippines was beyond me.
Asthma defined my character. It explains my cleanliness, need for control, dread of emotions and confrontations and probably my need to achieve. I’ve always wanted to prove my worth and not remembered as a sickly child.
I guess that’s the reason why I have no interest in sports. I am no good at it and my health has always been an issue. If I cry, I get an attack…hence I avoid crying at all costs. Emotions and stress could prompt an attack and I am in constant check of these things.
The one thing I managed to defy so far is keeping a dog. I cannot imagine life with my Sam that I am risking a bit just by having him around. Poor dog, he has to bathe every week though. I reckon he’s the cleanest dog in the block!
I am allergic to alcohol, hence I am teetotal. I abhor cigarettes and smoke. I am a clean fanatic and a control freak. I felt I needed to in order to survive.
Recently, my asthma flared up real bad. Today, I conceded defeat and called the clinic for an appointment with the Asthma Nurse and requested a flu jab. I was scheduled to see the nurse on 12 November but I managed to get in for my flu jab on Thursday. So far, I have been managing my asthma with combined therapy (preventer and reliever)- that’s low dose inhaled steroids and the usual Ventolin as reliever. Recently, I think I picked up some sort of lung infection that I managed to stave off. I haven’t been really ill but I haven’t recovered fully from this asthmatic cough, you know what I mean. The thing is I wake up at 4.00am wheezing. That’s everyday! I have dark circles under my eyes and I feel incredibly tired. On Saturday, while moving about the furniture I felt an attack coming on so I took a puff from the inhaler…but it made me feel vulnerable again.
The weather isn’t helping. It’s a good thing my boss is quite sympathetic and they take asthma seriously here in the UK. There are around 1500 deaths yearly from an acute attack. I do not want to be a statistic!
The doctor did advise me to prevent any upper respiratory infections. The last major one I had was when I came back from my visit to the Philippines and I contracted pneumonia. Since then I’ve been trying to manage this blasted disease. I feel slightly depressed because I know I am doing everything right to make myself healthy. I do not drink or smoke, I go to bed early, I eat properly and now I’m even exercising but I am still struggling! It is so unfair! My health has always been dodgy. I just hope as I get older it does not completely deteriorate.
On the brighter side though, I cope pretty well during the day but I feel absolutely shattered by 4.30pm. I just hope I would be able to successfully manage this disease. I accept there’s no cure for it. What I cannot accept is it hindering me from having a fulfilling life.

Relationships-what to make of them

It has been a stressful week as far as work is concerned. I really believe the most challenging aspect of any job would be dealing with people. Actually, come to think of it, relationships are the toughest part of life.

Let me see, what are my successful relationships?
- Hubby- I do love him but maybe I do not say it enough.
- Best friend- although I do find that our disparate methods of communicating (she’s a bit of a luddite) could sometimes be a problem
- My current boss- he leaves me to manage my unit and treats me fairly and equally. He’s also a real gent.
- Parents- that includes my in-laws as well.
- Special niece- Yes, I’ve been lucky enough to have a niece who shares my view in life. We are on the same wavelength.
- A couple members of my staff
- A few of my University pals and someone I’ve been working recently in a group website development.

How do I determine success? Well, communication is easy and there is complete trust. Trust and communication, how can you go wrong? Obviously these two things are quite fragile and easily destroyed.

Negativity sucks!

I sometimes just want to give up on people. I just couldn’t understand some of them. I suppose I couldn’t be a good counsellor because I cannot put up with negativity. Negativity sucks out the spirit in me! I want to run away from it. Unfortunately, I know a lot of unkind, selfish, humourless, jealous, evil people who like nothing more than to create misery and pull everyone down.
Fortunately, I do not have to live with one! Ha-ha! I have a very positive hubby who only complains about the weather, politics and the justice system. Other than that he’s very easy to live with. Then I have a lovely dog who manages to make me laugh at least once a day. I think everyone should own a dog. They’re not just great companions, they’re fiercely loyal as well.
I am still perplexed why some people say and do hurtful things to others. What’s the point? I do not understand why others remain unforgiving and proud. I feel a mix of pity and revulsion for them.
Why and I ranting? I know fully well I cannot change the world and people will always be the same. I guess it’s my way of letting off steam.

Passive smoking and other vices

Last night there was a news item about the dangers of passive smoking. Well, we knew passive smoking has always been a health hazard but it is now proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that the risk of a passive smoker to heart and lung disease goes up to 25%. I personally would like to see a ban on smoking in public places. We already have non smoking in office buildings and in some restaurants/clubs but I would like to see this extended wider. I detest the smell of cigarettes. I cannot imagine why people choose to smoke. It’s like slow suicide! I value my health too much. I was after all a very sickly child—I still wonder how I survived my childhood.
I do have one vice though and that is coffee. I cannot resist fresh brewed coffee. I have a caffetiere in my office and the first thing I do in the morning is to boil water in the kettle, scoop three spoonfuls of Italian ground coffee in the caffetiere, add water …wait for it to brew and smell its delicious aroma, then pour in a bone china cup. It’s like a ritual to me. I absolutely love it BUT I limit myself to one cup of good coffee a day. I believe that having whatever you fancy in reasonable doses could only be good for you. I do not include taking banned substances, cigarettes or alcohol in this statement.
I am driving to work in the dark again. Today was especially difficult because it was raining as well. I couldn’t even see the lines on the road. Anyway, this weather makes me drive very slowly indeed.

Puppy love

Sam having a ball!

I never really thought I could love anything that didn't share my exact DNA but until I had Sam, my rough haired Jack Russell Terrier, dogs were a bit scary to me.
Sam would love nothing more than to play with his toys--mainly balls, he's got a dozen in his basket, sleep and go out walking. What a guy! He knows his priorities well.
Hubby and I love him to bits and we are rewarded with deep loyalty and unconditional love. I think dog lovers are in the main a nice bunch of people. After all, they know how to love another creature and that creature actually loves them back. That's better than most relationships!

You must be joking!

Laughter keeps me sane

There were so many instances in my life where only laughter or a sense of humour kept me out of the madhouse.
I try not to take myself seriously. The last thing I want to be is to end up a miserable old cow! Yeah, I like that expression. It sums it all.
I plan to age disgracefully--haha! What I mean is I won't be your normal old age pensioner. I'd probably end up a recluse. I hope to be financially well off so that I can choose the people I hang around with. I do not like aggressive people and I definitely do not have the stomach for dramas anymore.

What's it all about?

My biggest fear is failure. There, I’ve said it. I know it is the sole reason that motivates me in life. In spite of that, I still managed to make some spectacular mistakes in my life that led to utter misery.
The debacle that almost cost me my future happened in my late 20s and because of it I was forced to seek a new life for myself in foreign shores. Looking back now I really couldn’t believe how I survived all those years of loneliness, confusion, guilt, inferiority (you’re not just good enough!)…just plain unhappiness! I keep telling myself that I did survive and successfully at that.
But this is what gets me. Some people resented the way I hauled myself away from my wretchedness. They remain judgmental, uncommunicative and sometimes even hostile to me. I have to say it used to bother me but I have now reached the point where it doesn't anymore because I ceased caring what small-minded and self righteous people actually think of me. I couldn’t give a damn. I live my life the way I see fit. After all, no-one helped me out of my despair but myself. Of course my hubby was always there to steer me in the proper frame of mind but I had to work really hard to earn my stripes. I found my happiness.
Happiness, now that’s a funny one. I thought it was as elusive as the wind, unattainable, an ideal. Now I know it isn’t so. I found that the path to happiness is contentment. It is being comfortable in your own skin. Happiness is not a fleeting experience. It is a slow and gradual process. When I stopped trying to attain a state of nirvana and started concentrating in getting my life in shape…things fell into place. I stopped comparing my life to that of my friends. I set a standard that I could live with and made sure I did my best in any undertaking.
I am so glad that after all these years, I’ve managed to shake free from the shackles of my past. What a relief!