My biggest fear is failure. There, I’ve said it. I know it is the sole reason that motivates me in life. In spite of that, I still managed to make some spectacular mistakes in my life that led to utter misery.
The debacle that almost cost me my future happened in my late 20s and because of it I was forced to seek a new life for myself in foreign shores. Looking back now I really couldn’t believe how I survived all those years of loneliness, confusion, guilt, inferiority (you’re not just good enough!)…just plain unhappiness! I keep telling myself that I did survive and successfully at that.
But this is what gets me. Some people resented the way I hauled myself away from my wretchedness. They remain judgmental, uncommunicative and sometimes even hostile to me. I have to say it used to bother me but I have now reached the point where it doesn't anymore because I ceased caring what small-minded and self righteous people actually think of me. I couldn’t give a damn. I live my life the way I see fit. After all, no-one helped me out of my despair but myself. Of course my hubby was always there to steer me in the proper frame of mind but I had to work really hard to earn my stripes. I found my happiness.
Happiness, now that’s a funny one. I thought it was as elusive as the wind, unattainable, an ideal. Now I know it isn’t so. I found that the path to happiness is contentment. It is being comfortable in your own skin. Happiness is not a fleeting experience. It is a slow and gradual process. When I stopped trying to attain a state of nirvana and started concentrating in getting my life in shape…things fell into place. I stopped comparing my life to that of my friends. I set a standard that I could live with and made sure I did my best in any undertaking.
I am so glad that after all these years, I’ve managed to shake free from the shackles of my past. What a relief!
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