Walking away

Looking back at my life, I sometimes could not believe how I managed to get through the bad patch without losing my marbles.
I used to think that having children would make me complete. I spent so many agonising years wanting something that almost cost my life. I divided my life in two stages. One was before the operation and the other was after the operation. Before the operation I still had hopes of having children and after the operation all my hopes were dashed. Those were dark days indeed. However, I remembered giving myself an ultimatum. I promised myself that if I am still childless on my 40th birthday I will stop thinking about having children ever again.
In 1997, I walked away from the pain and never looked back.
Now when I recall the times I subjected myself to self loathing because I couldn’t have children, I just think it was such a waste of time!
I do not need children to define myself. More importantly, my hubby loves me just the way I am and we have a good marriage. We are together because we choose to and not because we have to.
But I ask myself, where did all the hurt and pain go? How come the things I thought were so important before just do not matter anymore? I truly find that amazing.